Breaking Up With Alcohol

I stopped drinking alcohol a month ago. I’ve waxed and waned on the hobby of “drinking” for years. I’ve done dry spells before: a few months sophomore year of college, just skipped it for awhile here and there several times and then: for about 6 months in 2015.

And here’s the part where I tell you that “I’m not an alcoholic” and that’s not why I stopped. Which, what sounds like a bigger lie than the statement “I’m not an alcoholic” said aloud? Like the only thing more incriminating than saying that is probably yelling that. Like you say “I’m not an alcoholic” and then the next cut in the movie is to you in rehab group therapy because you are definitely an alcoholic. But, like I always say on dates: “I’m different”.

It’s reallllllly hard to prove you’re not an alcoholic though. I posted about not drinking on my world renowned Facebook account a few weeks ago to motivate myself and this dude replied in the comments section and he said “hey, Maria. I hate to break it to you but you are an alcoholic. I have decided.” Context: we met one time in person where he potentially saw me *maybe* have a total of one drink. The point is: people got feelings. It brings a really strange point about quitting drinking when you don’t have a quote unquote “problem”. Because everybody’s like “then, why though?” If someone knows you to drink and/or drink with them and you suddenly stop, they want a rock bottom reasoning. They want a devastating story of something terrible. Like, you better be able to explain yourself. They want a “This is why over 13 men in the tristate area are missing a tooth because of me”. Sadly, I am not responsible for any long lost incisors (yet). The most “drunk” thing I’ve done recently was drop my wallet getting out of a cab tipsy. Thanks goes to the asshole who spent $4,000 at Home Depot the next morning. I hope your new deck is *beautiful*. So, no huge “I have got to stop doing this” moments. Probably more when I was younger. People generally don’t like when you do handstands on the dance floor in a dress with only a thong underneath at their wedding. It’s not always popular when you blackout and steal other people’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade 6 packs or vomit in front of 40 people at an outdoor restaurant. But those are things I did in college. All in all my drinking career has ends with no DUIs, zero STDs and a fully functioning liver, so honestly, I’m probably a hall of famers stats-wise.

The truth is that I just don’t lerv drinking. I don’t. I liked the idea of drinking. I liked that feeling of opening a bottle of wine when I was bored at home doing nothing so I felt like it was more of a something. I liked going to order another drink as an excuse when I was in a shitty conversation at a bar and I’m like “oh my god, I love talking to you about how much you hate your boss but {wah wahhh music plays} my drink is empty. I’m going to leave now for a refill and do my best not to make it clear that I will 100% not be coming back to this conversation and, then, somehow attempt to get lost in another part of this bar.” In essence, I loved the chase of getting alcohol. The “I drink and order alcohol because I’m fun and that’s what fun people do.” Going up to the bar counter to order and essentially just doing the activity of getting it and the “omg, what are we gonna get???” thrill of the selection. Then, it would get handed to me, I’d have like 1-2 sips and feel the calm sensation of “ahhhh, I have a drink in my hand, I’m relevant” and pretty quickly move to thinking “Hm. My life is still empty. How strange.”

Alcohol was something I both recreationally enjoyed but also, to whatever degree, was using as a social crutch for not dealing with myself. I’ve had a lot of good times with alcohol too. I still love (and think about) wine, especially sparkling. But I think booze, even in moderation, has more negative impact than positive, at least, para mi. I just turned 32. I’ve had plenty of alcohol. And I’ve decided that drinking isn’t really a ‘juice is worth the squeeze” type of activity for me. 15 years of drinking and I think I’m calling it a day. It feels scary to commit to never drinking again. Like what if I wake up and want a glass of wine in 8 months or 3 years or 10? Is that wrong? If I drink again, is all of the previous abstaining for nothing? Will I be rendered irrelevant by the cool police? Maybe? But I don’t care? I’m just gonna do a thing and not get so wrapped up in the spooky “what ifs” down the road.

Here are my list of reasons ‘why’ I quit drinking that nobody asked for:

1. Too Available: I’m at an alcohol serving establishment almost, if not, every night of the week for comedy so it’s just generally too available. It’s like when there’s a candy bowl at your office or they bring bread to your table at the restaurant. Like, you’re not gonna not eat it. It’s there and tastes better then journaling about your anxiety. Be it candy or booze: it feels easier to cut it out completely than to continue failing at moderation a lot of the time. You’re always just going to have 1 drink. You’re like so sure. And then you have 3 or 4 and plus a one way ticket to hangover city, courtesy of your own dumbass.
2. Hangovers: Wow. They are terrible. Have you tried these? I’ve been getting two day hangovers since about 2013. That whole day after medium-to-heavy drinking is shot. Your brain is a pile of anxious poop. I just don’t have the time for that anymore. I can’t believe I’ve been knowingly continuing to give myself these for this long as it is. 5pm hits on day 1 of it and my brain is on a repeat loop of “you are nothing in the worst way. Your soul is a withered sack of shit. The world is a dark, pointless void.”. I don’t need that.
3. Money: It’s ‘spensive. I’m only a month in and I can already see a difference in my bank account. So, now, I’m thinking about it and it’s like where did I *ever* get off drinking at all? I was literally living in Spain on pennies after college and putting drinks on a credit card like “I need this. It’s worth debt that will follow me around for the next 3-5 years.” Whyyyyyy, past me??? Whyyyyyy??
4. Humiliation/Shame: The latest embarrassing text message I sent drunk was to my boyfriend like 4 months ago saying “I want to make art” so really, the “bad decisions” category of drinking isn’t a huge factor for me right now in my life but it’s still nice to always feel in control of your own fuckery. People always tell stories of getting drunk and making foolish sexual decisions but the times I regret are more like that one time, I got drunk and said something mean to my friend about her fiancé. Or when I’ve gotten drunk around fancy comedy people I respect and spent the whole week wondering if they saw me vomit out of the cab door. I’ll take my dignity back for future me. Thanks.
5. Vanity/Health Part 1- Calories: I’m not afraid to admit I’m vain and strategic. I don’t need that boozical at all. I like fitting in my pants, I *just* got out of being pre-diabetic (ahhthank you!) and I’d rather use those booze calories credits towards a hot dog, and that’s just being honest. Also, I am totally down with not feeling bloated by my own doing (at least not from alcohol). As my friend, Rigodis, who hasn’t drank for the past few months recently said “I stopped drinking and now, I’m a skinny millionaire.”
6. Vanity/Health Part 2- Skin: JLo doesn’t drink and contends that not drinking is better for your skin. And we all know she is a scientist (and not a famous person who has probably also had lots of muy fancy skin treatments and uses diamond cream facials every other day) so I trust her. But also, look at most any long time alcoholic, you never see them and think “wowwww. I gotta get that skincare regimen.” Alcohol dehydrates. It makes sense.
7. Sleep: You sleep well, you have more energy, your mind is more clear, you never feel like crap on purpose. Even 1 glass of wine, at the end, was fuggin with my sleep. And my sleep is paramount. When mama doesn’t get her sleep, nobody wants to be around mama. Trust moi. I’m an expert on me.
8. Depression and Anxiety: When I don’t drink, it is not that those issues (or any of my problems) are suddenly simple much less disappear but it becomes MUCH easier to handle my moods and cycles than when I do drink. It’s just fucking true. I could go on a big rant about how carbs/grains/sugars intake causes inflammation in your brain (well, really everywhere in the bod) and is partially responsible for a certain amount of all brain related diseases but like, what the fuck do I know? I’ve just read a couple of articles. BUT I BELIEVE IT. I AM JUST SAYING.

And now, is a list of times not-drinking-without-a drinking-problem is less than pleasant:

1. Friends You’ve Drank With: “you’re not drinking? why?” And then I give some logical reasoning (see above) and they get suupes judgmental because they seem to vibe my not-drinking is somehow saying something about their drinking. Which, it’s not about you. Okay? As though I think that I’m better than them because I don’t drink. And it’s like, that’s not the case. I mean, yes, I am better than them. But it has nothing to do with drinking.
2. Freebies: You get a lot of free drinks doing comedy and also as a cis white straight-presenting woman. It’s a challenging moment to skip when the booze are free. Don’t get me wrong, alcohol isn’t important but I do love a deal. If these dudes/comedy shows could shift to handing out grocery store gift cards (or honestly, even cash ermkayyy) , I could really start to monetize this lifestyle.
3. Around The Holidays: have you ever spent time with your families? Come on.
4. Happy Hour: when you coworkers say “wine o’clock” and mosey to the office kitchen after a bullshit day at work.
5. On Vacation: You want to treat yourself to daylight banana coladas (but, pro-tip: those can be ordered virgin and will be the same sugary delight).
6. When You’re Bored: “I’m not having fun. What’s fun? How about this glass of wine? Look! I’m fun now! I’m doing an activity! Today is now interesting” {cue to still sitting on your couch in sweatpants}
7. With Cool People Who Are Drinking: “Please accept me. The level of external validation in my life is not up to par.”
8. When It’s Wine: All other alcohol can pretty much fuck off but have you tried wine? Wine is good. Shout out to my main ex-boo, I miss you sometimes.
9. Your Birthday: I had mine recently and I did not drink BECAUSE I AM VERY BRAVE.
10. Weddings: it’s free. I’m wearing a dress. There’s dancing. Come on, it’s hard.

But to counter all the pulling/tantalizing scenarios above that seem like reasons to drink, I ask you this: have you ever thrown up on your own pillow before?